When we encounter pain, our brain-mind-spirit system always tries to process the painful experience. There is a very deliberate pathway that this pain processing attempt will follow, and there are specific processing tasks that we must complete as we travel … Continue reading →

Explicit memory recall is what we all think of as “remembering.” Explicit memory feels like “normal” memory. When we recall events through the explicit memory system, it feels, subjectively, like “I’m remembering something from my personal past experience.” For example, … Continue reading →

When dealing with unresolved traumatic content coming forward as invisible implicit memory, there are two intriguing, subtle, and ubiquitous phenomena that make the situation even more difficult. The first of these “particular phenomena” is the part of our brain/mind/spirit that … Continue reading →

Our adult Verbal Logical Explainers come up with much more sophisticated confabulations than four-year-old Miranda’s explanation about the orange toothbrush being the source of her distress, but our adult explanations still have holes that are fairly easy to spot (unless … Continue reading →

When we get triggered, toxic content from traumatic memories comes forward as “invisible” implicit memory, so that it feels true in the present, and is not recognized as coming from underlying unresolved trauma. Our VLEs come up with explanations that … Continue reading →

If we are triggered by some aspect of our interactions with the Lord, then all of the above dynamics will result in traumatic implicit memory content and VLE confabulations undermining our relationship with him. Our perception is that traumatic implicit … Continue reading →

Recognizing, acknowledging, and taking responsibility for our traumatic implicit memories and VLE confabulations helps us choose righteous behavior, even before anything feels different. When we are able to identify the underlying traumatic memories, the moment the pieces all come together … Continue reading →

With the right resources and tools, a person can work through a traumatic memory, successfully completing the processing tasks she was not able to accomplish at the time of the original experience. When this has been done, the package of … Continue reading →

There are exacerbating factors (such as maturity from the age of memory coming forward when the memory is triggered) that can make it much more difficult to recognize, acknowledge, and take responsibility for our traumatic implicit memory and VLE confabulations. … Continue reading →

Attunement is an especially important form of interpersonal emotional connection, currently at the center of a lot of attachment theory research and writing. For the purposes of our discussion, we can use the following simple, functional definition: I am successfully … Continue reading →

**Note: please don’t let this section on relational connection circuits intimidate you, and lead you to the conclusion that Outsmarting Yourself will probably be too technical for you. In the book, more than one-hundred pages are dedicated to carefully explaining … Continue reading →

When we are trying to help a person who is triggered, it is critically important to start with making sure our own relational circuits are online, and then offering attunement, before suggesting that triggering might be contributing to his distress. … Continue reading →

As Charlotte and I have applied the principles and tools presented in this book we have experienced steadily increasing joy in our marriage. And this makes sense: Relational connection is the source of joy, relational conflict breaks relational connection, and … Continue reading →