When we get triggered, toxic content from traumatic memories comes forward as “invisible” implicit memory, so that it feels true in the present, and is not recognized as coming from underlying unresolved trauma. Our VLEs come up with explanations that focus on the triggering stimuli in the present. Our central nervous system extrapolators fill in most of the holes in the VLE confabulated explanations, and good old denial and self deception take care of anything that is left over. The end result is that we usually believe the explanations that the VLE makes up, accept the implicit memory content as true in the present, and blame the triggers as if they are the original source of the implicit memory content that is actually coming from the underlying traumatic memories – we blame the triggers as if they are the true and complete reason we’re feeling bad.
If we perceive that a person is responsible for the triggering situation, we will only feel heard, validated, safe, and ready for reconciliation if she takes full responsibility for the implicit memory traumatic content. This creates an irreconcilable difference because she cannot honestly do so.